Attack of the Mullah Marshmallows

These marshmallows have been "prepared in accordance with Islamic Sharia".

A militant ape with martial arts training, a brazen paratrooper commando, and some sort of hashish-fueled assassin are involved in a ubiquitous attack against America.

Some years ago I tried to teach myself the Arabic alphabet, and my own mother tongue is richly infused with words of Arabic origin. With that foundation of knowledge, I have attempted to translate the writings on this packaging and have concluded that they say "Torment upon torment to the Western infidels, God's vengeful wrath upon the occupiers, with corn syrup and dextrose."

Chocolate Mushroom Cult Threatens America

A friend alerted me that the Korean Chocolate Mushroom Cult now has packaging translated to English. I have decoded the secret codes on the package and have concluded that it contains threats to our American way of life.


The mascot has now kicked some kind of bird (The American Eagle?) causing it to experience head trauma. Descriptive labels point out "Mini Biscuit" and "Chocolate" - rearrange the letters in these words to spell "I lob iconic I teach smut". They are determined to undermine traditional American Icons and corrupt our youth. Or "Bulimic atheist in Coco", or "Bush omit cocaine licit", or "Cubical homo tits in ice", or "I built mince cocoa shit". Clearly an attack on our cultural values is imminent or has already started - or there is something bad in these cookies. They were, however, very tasty.

"Have fun with your friend Choco Boy" is most certainly a coded call to arms, or a signal to sleeper cells to take nefarious action.