I Hate Computers: Failing at Failure

The Eclipse IDE for Java software development is a pretty useful tool... most of the time.

Fierce and Yellow

Click the picture to see the full-sized image.

Although still quite fierce, since this book was published in 1922, we got nice bronze tans on the beach after our Mediterranean conquests.

Be Careful Not To Choke On These Balls

Pipis and Popos in Puerto Vallarta

These two places are just down the street from each other in downtown Puerto Vallarta.

Dish Network Thinks I Can Read Chinese

I can't read it. But from how happy that guy looks, this must be a good deal.

Attack of the Mullah Marshmallows

These marshmallows have been "prepared in accordance with Islamic Sharia".

A militant ape with martial arts training, a brazen paratrooper commando, and some sort of hashish-fueled assassin are involved in a ubiquitous attack against America.

Some years ago I tried to teach myself the Arabic alphabet, and my own mother tongue is richly infused with words of Arabic origin. With that foundation of knowledge, I have attempted to translate the writings on this packaging and have concluded that they say "Torment upon torment to the Western infidels, God's vengeful wrath upon the occupiers, with corn syrup and dextrose."

Chocolate Mushroom Cult Threatens America

A friend alerted me that the Korean Chocolate Mushroom Cult now has packaging translated to English. I have decoded the secret codes on the package and have concluded that it contains threats to our American way of life.


The mascot has now kicked some kind of bird (The American Eagle?) causing it to experience head trauma. Descriptive labels point out "Mini Biscuit" and "Chocolate" - rearrange the letters in these words to spell "I lob iconic I teach smut". They are determined to undermine traditional American Icons and corrupt our youth. Or "Bulimic atheist in Coco", or "Bush omit cocaine licit", or "Cubical homo tits in ice", or "I built mince cocoa shit". Clearly an attack on our cultural values is imminent or has already started - or there is something bad in these cookies. They were, however, very tasty.

"Have fun with your friend Choco Boy" is most certainly a coded call to arms, or a signal to sleeper cells to take nefarious action.

Rachael Ray Takes America's Donuts Hostage

That brilliant political analyst Michelle Malkin has not been fooled by America's Sweetheart Rachael Ray's "I'm not a terrorist" act. She is, apparently, a terrorist.

It is not difficult to be convinced by the evidence on hand.

Creepy Korean Chocolate Mushroom Snack

I find snack items from other countries very interesting. I found this box of Choco Songi Choco Snack in a Korean grocery market a few years ago.

On the package, the anthropomorphic leader chocolate mushroom exudes charm and confidence; he displays an alarming level of control over the others. He leads several smaller obedient mushrooms through a pleasant village, to what we can only guess is a horrific mass suicide ritual.

Saudi Cleric: Islam Permits Women to Drive

Sheikh Abdul Mohsin Al-Obaikan, my favorite Saudi cleric, points out that Islamic law does not prohibit women driving. Still waiting for the sheikh's approval on the big/best three vices: Gamblin', Liquor, and Whores (also the title of my yet-to-be released first album).

Love and Honor God with Fried Chicken

Sometimes in our busy lives, we don't take time to reflect spiritually upon our blessings. Fortunately, Oprah's (and my) favorite fried chicken restaurant Ezell's reminds us that we must love and honor God.

I give thanks much like the ancient Greeks performed ritual sacrifice: in the form of a pyramid of chicken bones piled high after worshipful gluttony.

The Swiss Family Subaykan?

Using the power of the Googles, I found these two guys who share my last name - which is very rare name so I wonder if there is some kind of relation. They are listed as employees of an electric power company in Switzerland (Elektro Beutler AG - Die Firma die für Power sorgt). Apparently it is a rare name in Switzerland as well.


Feridun Subaykan


Ferit Subaykan

Who are you guys in Switzerland? Wer sind sie? Kimsiniz?

Sheikh Al-Obaikan: my new favorite Saudi cleric

When Sheikh Al-Obaikan issued the smack-down on hardliners for criticism of his having been filmed performing the Bedouin sword dance at a wedding, he became my new favorite Saudi cleric.

He also says that modern science can be used to sight the crescent moon. "How can we take into account the testimony of an old man, 80 years old, who comes to the court and says that he had seen the crescent in the desert? The guy can barely see his sandals!"

Oh, and he also helps fight terrorism!

Photo Credit: By David B. Ottaway -- The Washington Post Photo

Despite the rhyming name and the shared love of sword-dancing, Al-Obaikan is of no relation - as far as I know.

Update: Sheikh says women can drive!

Crisp Wafers In Hellfire

The official candy of infidels.

Ballcock Coupling Nut Washer

I didn't know you had to wash your nuts after ball/cock coupling. This was at the hardware store, in the plumbing aisle. The Hardware Store and The Plumbing Aisle are not gay bars.

Utah has BALLS!

According to name statistics on WhitePages.com, Utah is the top-ranked state for listings of people with the last name Balls (map).

In addition to this, the Leet translation of the word "balls" is 84115 - a zip code in Salt Lake City, UT.

Will you marry me? Fuck yeah!

When you have two kids (a kindergartener and a 1-year old) at home, your options for New Year's Eve partying are limited. So we settled for watching the KING5 Seattle Space Needle fireworks celebration. The fireworks stopped because of a computer problem, but the best part of the show came shortly thereafter. Several couples got engaged live on the air with a crowd watching and "whooo"-ing behind them. A young man got down on bended knee and proposed to his fiancée; after she accepted his proposal a watcher in the crowd shouted an enthusiastic "FUCK YEAH" which was heard on live broadcast. For me that made up for not being able to go anywhere to party the night away. Looks like someone captured this and posted it, which is why the internets are the blessings of God.