Seems Legit: Direct Deposit Alert Email From Russian Dancer Hottie

Yes, thank you. I will click on that link right now.

Yours faithfully,

John

All Kind Jaggery on Aisle 6

As I am a fan of ball-shaped sweet foods, I had come to buy some chum-chum, rasgulla, and gulabjamun balls, but I could not resist what Aisle 6 had to offer. I put down my grocery basket, and began to flail my arms about and strutting around like an injured rooster, puckering my lips like I had just eaten all the sour achaar pickles on aisle 7. As I was quite forcibly escorted out by security, I loudly continued my assertion that I've got moo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ooves like Jagger.

Clock Whistling

I'm not sure if Clock Whistling is an activity that I would advise for children even if I knew WTF it was. This child seems to be in pain.

Swedish Coffee Gives Many Erections

The list of Swedish accomplishments are many and have been listed here. Now they have solved the problem of erectile dysfunction with a type of coffee which promises to induce a high number of erections ("Hella Boner" in American Slang).

Pakistani Cigarettes Warn Against Health Risks

My Urdu is not perfect, but the warning roughly translates to: "Cigarettes are harmful to your health, and they will totally fuck up your mustache."

Evil Russian Squirrel Wants You To Eat His Nuts

Girls Can Not Have This Chocolate Either

Following (or leading) the trend of sexist chocolate, this one is also not recommended for girls.

I'm waiting to see the candy that women will not allow men to have.

Creamy Colon Snack

Nothing satisfies a snack craving like...

Cream-filled for that refreshing feeling.

Sorry, Girls, This Chocolate Is For Men.

Women can't handle this.

Another item which proves men are better equipped to endure bitterness than women. This bitter chocolate snack is made for men. Women can not withstand its power. According to the warning on the packaging written in Japanese, which I understand fluently -- or "wakarimasu" -- only 11% of women have the strength to tolerate the flavor of these chocolate-dipped twigs.

Update: This is also not for girls.

Jelly Rats

The Swedes do it again. Add to this their list of contributions (see Action Stars, Pop Icons, Safe Automobiles, Masters of Cuisine, Robotic Tennis Stars, Unpronounceable Furniture, Controversial Advertising Figures, and recognition of excellence in all the aforementioned areas) to make the world a better place.

Update: Swedish coffee induces Hella Boners.

Chinese Cigarettes Emotionally Manipulative

The warning sticker on this pack of cigarettes is either playing on the guilt of polluting women and children's space with second-hand smoke, or these people are frightened by the approach of the fire-breathing Godzilla.

Ball Cake!

I've already covered my hypothesis that the whole world loves ball-shaped foods. Proof of the theorem to follow, and I won't go into more detail here. But...

Always on the lookout for arrangements of words I can use as expressions of delight or anguish originally unintended as such, like "Sweet Supari!", I am pleased to announce my latest discovery:

Ball Cake!

e.g.:

Negative usage:
"Hey man, I heard there are going to be layoffs."
"Ball Cake!"

Positive usage:
"You are being promoted to director."
"Ball Cake!"

Hot Kid Honey Ball Cookies

There are many differences across cultures of the world. We speak different languages, we wear different pants. But we are united in the love of honey-flavored and ball-shaped snacks. There is still hope.

Break Me Off A Piece Of That Crazy Japanese KitKat Bar

Thanks to Donald who brought me a bunch of crazy KitKat flavors from his trip to Japan:

Apple vinegar, apples & carrots, green tea, white chocolate (the most boring flavor in this group), the "I don't know WTF this is" according to Donald (which we determined is something with rice puffs and perhaps red beans) although the picture on the box suggests a meatball enveloped by a tater-tot, plums, dark chocolate with butter cookie, and... yes... soy sauce KitKats.

Just one missing ingredient: Hell Fire

Mid 90s Turkish-Mexican Nicholas Cage

The artist who drew this portrait of me in Mexico in 1999 may have thought that I was Nicholas Cage from Kiss Of Death (1995).

Or perhaps someone from a Soviet propaganda poster from World War II. But of course, in Soviet Russia, portrait draws YOU!

Sweet Supari

This was at a local Indian grocery store. My wife tells me supari is something people chew in South Asia. Do they have pictures of wanted fugitives on all Indian snack boxes? My new expression of surprise: Sweet Supari!
UPDATE: Some more info and in-depth analysis of this issue here. Thanks to Owais Mughal for that article.

Pipis and Popos in Puerto Vallarta

These two places are just down the street from each other in downtown Puerto Vallarta.

Dish Network Thinks I Can Read Chinese

I can't read it. But from how happy that guy looks, this must be a good deal.

Attack of the Mullah Marshmallows

These marshmallows have been "prepared in accordance with Islamic Sharia".

A militant ape with martial arts training, a brazen paratrooper commando, and some sort of hashish-fueled assassin are involved in a ubiquitous attack against America.

Some years ago I tried to teach myself the Arabic alphabet, and my own mother tongue is richly infused with words of Arabic origin. With that foundation of knowledge, I have attempted to translate the writings on this packaging and have concluded that they say "Torment upon torment to the Western infidels, God's vengeful wrath upon the occupiers, with corn syrup and dextrose."

Chocolate Mushroom Cult Threatens America

A friend alerted me that the Korean Chocolate Mushroom Cult now has packaging translated to English. I have decoded the secret codes on the package and have concluded that it contains threats to our American way of life.


The mascot has now kicked some kind of bird (The American Eagle?) causing it to experience head trauma. Descriptive labels point out "Mini Biscuit" and "Chocolate" - rearrange the letters in these words to spell "I lob iconic I teach smut". They are determined to undermine traditional American Icons and corrupt our youth. Or "Bulimic atheist in Coco", or "Bush omit cocaine licit", or "Cubical homo tits in ice", or "I built mince cocoa shit". Clearly an attack on our cultural values is imminent or has already started - or there is something bad in these cookies. They were, however, very tasty.

"Have fun with your friend Choco Boy" is most certainly a coded call to arms, or a signal to sleeper cells to take nefarious action.