Soy Is Instrument Of The Devil

 

 He is known by many names. He no longer hides his purpose nor his methods.

Endangered Species: Saudi Virgins

A high religious council in Saudi Arabia has issued a report which claims that relaxing the country's law and allowing women to drive will inevitably lead to "no more virgins", and there will be a surge in prostitution, pornography, and homosexuality.

Three thoughts:

1. What does my favorite Saudi Cleric say about this? He had previously stated that women can drive.
2. If true, this is somewhat good news considering the eventual demise of blondes.
3. What if they let women drive in America, we could be overrun by prostitution, pornography, and homosexuality. We could become like France!
   

Forgive Me For I Thought I Could Sin Here

I decided to visit a church in the area after seeing a notice about their Sunday offerings.

The most recent house of worship from which I was forcibly ejected by security.

Not having been raised in the tradition of Christendom, I was unfamiliar with the true function of the array of private booths that lined the wall. My complaints about the entertainment on the other side of the divider caused most unfortunate confusion.

While being escorted out of the service by church security guards who became physically forceful, I turned the other cheek.

Funky Groovy Disco Eid

The prayers of the faithful at this observance of Eid al-Adha were reflected in the shiny disco ball hanging above. No word on whether my favorite Saudi cleric has voiced his approval of this possibly idolatrous object hovering above the supplicants bowed in prayer.

See also: temptress invalidates your prayers

January Mubarak

But it's only June.

January Mubarak is:

a) Sister of Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak.

b) Syrian stunt double of Mad Men actress January Jones.

c) A subtle hint to replace the lunar month of Ramadan with the solar month of January in which fasting from dawn to sunset is a small ordeal considering the short days and cool weather. Nice try, CAPTCHA, but not even my favorite Saudi cleric would support this kind of reform.

Milk Solves Problems You Didn't Even Consider

My favorite Saudi cleric Sheikh Al-Obaikan is in the news again. He presents a milky solution to deal with the problem of unrleated men and women socializing freely.

"The man should take the milk, but not directly from the breast of the woman," Al Obeikan said, according to Gulf News. "He should drink it and then becomes a relative of the family, a fact that allows him to come in contact with the women without breaking Islam's rules about mixing."

Happy Birthday Jesus, In The Name Of Allah

In Fremont, CA on Christmas day. Next to the restaurant named Bismillah (In The Name Of God) is the marquee for the theater which reminds us what Christmas is. Or perhaps this is a little clash of civilizations in the neighborhood.

As for the restaurant, it is part of an alarming trend:

(click to view larger)

Halloween: Sexy Time Of Cleaning And Damnation

Halloween is upon us. According to some, it is an evil occasion that must be avoided. Judging from the popularity of these French maid costumes at the Halloween costume store, this is probably a good time of the year to do some cleaning around the house.


and perhaps do some cleansing of the soul by way of prayer...

These nuns are like nun other.

I wonder what Sheikh Abdul Mohsin Al-Obaikan would say about this. I also wonder, why do all those people who went to Catholic school complain about nuns who spanked them?

It may be a time of evil, or a time of cleaning, or prayer. That is up to the individual to decide. But certainly this will be a time to celebrate Gamblin', Liquor, and Whores for all.

Your Prayers May Be Rendered Invalid

After receiving a warning from beyond, I decided to observe the fast for the entire month of Ramadan. The month of fasting is followed by a communal Eid al-Fitr prayer service, followed by uncontrolled eating.

This year, several area mosque organizations arranged for a joint gathering and rented out the exhibition center for a crowd of what looked like several thousand believers, with a few doubtfuls mixed in.

Perhaps I need to consult with my favorite Saudi cleric to be certain, but I suspect that the prayers of thousands may have been rendered invalid by the banner of a liquor-sipping barelegged seductress in a house of games-of-chance in clear sight. In other words, Gamblin', Liquor, and Whores.

Coffee Receipt Of The Beast

While waiting to get some schmancy coffee drinks at a sidewalk espresso stand, I told a friend that I was considering not observing the ritual fast in the holy month of Ramadan this year.

According to Islamic tradition, it is said that during this month, the gates of hell are locked and the devils are chained.

My friend paid for our coffees and pointed out that the receipt had a warning for me.

Let him that hath understanding calculate the total of our bill.

Spicy Or Sweet? Or... This Should Get Me Honor Killed

I ran across an ad on a website, and since I work in the internet advertising software universe, I was compelled to click (not because the girl is pretty). Theretofore I was unaware of the abundance of Hot Muslim Singles in my area, both of the Spicy and the Sweet varieties.

I wonder what my favorite Saudi cleric would have to say about this. Also, would my wife approve of the girl in the picture as a possible candidate to fill one of three remaining spouse slots. She must be a traditional girl, look at the Islamic geometric patterns on her swimsuit.

Sweet Supari!

Saudi Cleric: Islam Permits Women to Drive

Sheikh Abdul Mohsin Al-Obaikan, my favorite Saudi cleric, points out that Islamic law does not prohibit women driving. Still waiting for the sheikh's approval on the big/best three vices: Gamblin', Liquor, and Whores (also the title of my yet-to-be released first album).

Love and Honor God with Fried Chicken

Sometimes in our busy lives, we don't take time to reflect spiritually upon our blessings. Fortunately, Oprah's (and my) favorite fried chicken restaurant Ezell's reminds us that we must love and honor God.

I give thanks much like the ancient Greeks performed ritual sacrifice: in the form of a pyramid of chicken bones piled high after worshipful gluttony.

Sheikh Al-Obaikan: my new favorite Saudi cleric

When Sheikh Al-Obaikan issued the smack-down on hardliners for criticism of his having been filmed performing the Bedouin sword dance at a wedding, he became my new favorite Saudi cleric.

He also says that modern science can be used to sight the crescent moon. "How can we take into account the testimony of an old man, 80 years old, who comes to the court and says that he had seen the crescent in the desert? The guy can barely see his sandals!"

Oh, and he also helps fight terrorism!

Photo Credit: By David B. Ottaway -- The Washington Post Photo

Despite the rhyming name and the shared love of sword-dancing, Al-Obaikan is of no relation - as far as I know.

Update: Sheikh says women can drive!