Seems Legit: Direct Deposit Alert Email From Russian Dancer Hottie

Yes, thank you. I will click on that link right now.

Yours faithfully,

John

Don't Drink My Not Vodka, It's Not Vodka

I'm saving it to drink with my lunch.

See Also: Don't Touch My Food

Soy Is Instrument Of The Devil

 

 He is known by many names. He no longer hides his purpose nor his methods.

All Kind Jaggery on Aisle 6

As I am a fan of ball-shaped sweet foods, I had come to buy some chum-chum, rasgulla, and gulabjamun balls, but I could not resist what Aisle 6 had to offer. I put down my grocery basket, and began to flail my arms about and strutting around like an injured rooster, puckering my lips like I had just eaten all the sour achaar pickles on aisle 7. As I was quite forcibly escorted out by security, I loudly continued my assertion that I've got moo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ooves like Jagger.

Don't Touch My Food

When you place food items in the office refrigerator, it is wise to place a note on them with your name and also a date. If that does not suffice in keeping your food items unmolested, you can try a different approach.

Dirty Hole Needs Punishment

A few minutes later, I was escorted away by security

I Am For It

Yes, I am for it. My opponents falsely claim I was for it before I was against it. I have not reversed my position.

Endangered Species: Saudi Virgins

A high religious council in Saudi Arabia has issued a report which claims that relaxing the country's law and allowing women to drive will inevitably lead to "no more virgins", and there will be a surge in prostitution, pornography, and homosexuality.

Three thoughts:

1. What does my favorite Saudi Cleric say about this? He had previously stated that women can drive.
2. If true, this is somewhat good news considering the eventual demise of blondes.
3. What if they let women drive in America, we could be overrun by prostitution, pornography, and homosexuality. We could become like France!
   

Congratulations On The RIM Job

Your Mental Wellbeing

On a scale of 10 to 10, how angry are you?

If Your Street Is Too Dry

Then take a left onto...


This happens to be one block away from where this happened.

Facebook is Smart... and Hungry

Caution: Falling Is Fun!

It is a good idea to put a sign when there is a danger of customers sustaining injury on your premises. In case someone gets hurt, you are covered against lawsuits.

"Weeeeeeeeeee!!!"

Unless your sign suggests that the process of sustaining that injury is also a fun experience, especially for kids. Even more so if the setting is a water park in which the sign can be interpreted as an additional activity like the wave pool or the tornado slide.

Problem With Processing Dirty Regions

Processing dirty regions is not an easy task, it makes computers have internal errors. It makes computers feel dirty inside.

Clock Whistling

I'm not sure if Clock Whistling is an activity that I would advise for children even if I knew WTF it was. This child seems to be in pain.

Caution: Man Jumping On Stack Of Mattresses

Watch where you're going, you could get jumped.

Swedish Coffee Gives Many Erections

The list of Swedish accomplishments are many and have been listed here. Now they have solved the problem of erectile dysfunction with a type of coffee which promises to induce a high number of erections ("Hella Boner" in American Slang).

Pakistani Cigarettes Warn Against Health Risks

My Urdu is not perfect, but the warning roughly translates to: "Cigarettes are harmful to your health, and they will totally fuck up your mustache."

Forgive Me For I Thought I Could Sin Here

I decided to visit a church in the area after seeing a notice about their Sunday offerings.

The most recent house of worship from which I was forcibly ejected by security.

Not having been raised in the tradition of Christendom, I was unfamiliar with the true function of the array of private booths that lined the wall. My complaints about the entertainment on the other side of the divider caused most unfortunate confusion.

While being escorted out of the service by church security guards who became physically forceful, I turned the other cheek.

The Facebooks Know What You Might Like

Technology is frightening, your phone knows what you wanted. And the interwebs understand you more than you know. But sometimes robots do not have the human touch and make their suggestions in inappropriate groupings.

I love Pixar movies, that is true. Toy Story 3 made me cry. So obviously I would like nekkid pr()Nz.